(Editor’s Note: FYI, release of the Hugh Howey podcast and Episode 5 of This Plague of Days has been a little delayed. But not by much. Explanations to follow. Some will be somewhat hilarious, especially if you’re a sadist.)
Here’s the writerly fantasy:
You know that dream you have of being a writer? We all have it with minor variations. Sometimes I picture a tiny writing cabin like Mark Twain had, perhaps by the water so I can watch the paddle steamers push up the river. Clacking away at an old typewriter with black and white ivory keys with a butler to bring scones would be awesome. At tea time, I could retire to an English country garden with a labyrinth and mull the next plot twist. Mm…okay, a Mac with black and white, fake ivory keys and coffee, not tea.
On me mudder’s side all the way back, I’m Irish. Maybe I should be scribbling in a moleskin notebook at the back of a gray pub hiding behind a tall Guinness and romantic, brooding despair. I’d run my hands through my hair a lot.
Analyze that fantasy and you’ll see it’s really about the power to be left alone and fear of people. We want to be at play in the fields of the mind. We don’t want to get retail jobs and interact with humans. We desire the protective distance a cyber interface allows. We crave the fantasy existence so we can do two things: Create Art and Not Deal. (Um, I’m not alone in my agoraphobic misanthropy, right? Right?)
Here’s the reality of writing:
We have to deal.
1. My cell phone just died and I stubbed a toe on my treadmill desk when I got up to charge the battery.
Lesson: Never move.
2. I’m behind schedule writing Season Two of This Plague of Days and I don’t have enough reviews on Season One yet.
Lesson: Kill self.
3. Someone got sick so the cover art for Episode 5 was delayed. (They’ll be okay, though.)
Lesson: Shit happens. Expect delays so you can schedule them.
4. I had technical issues with the Hugh Howey interview so I’m publishing the Cool People Podcast tonight or tomorrow morning.
Lesson: I have to deny my nature and be patient.
5. The cover art arrived but then my computer was attacked by the spinning beach ball of death.
Lesson: Have fewer than dozens of tabs open in the browser at one time. Apparently my mind doesn’t work the same way computer guts function.
6. Then, just as I tried to publish to Kindle this morning, my security software decided that was the perfect time to download a major update.
Lesson: Stab someone in the face with a #2 pencil. I’m not too picky about whom just now.
7. The update slowed everything down so much I knew I was a few minutes away from a heart attack.
Imagine your car is on fire and you’re trapped behind crumpled doors. Now imagine the seatbelt is jammed and cinched tight across your chest. You’re trying to get out but you’re pinned and the car’s filling up with choking, toxic, black smoke and your broken hands scrabble uselessly at the jammed buckle. Somehow, the radio is jammed on and it’s playing Kenny G.
It felt something like that.
Lesson: Get some cardio today. Listen to Stacy’s Mom by Fountains of Wayne. Cheer the #$!! up.
8. While dealing with the computer trying to kill me, I was making my son late for his piano lesson.
Lesson: Make son play video games to the exclusion of everything else all summer so I won’t be alone in my agoraphobic misanthropy.
9. I have no minions to bring me venti skinny vanilla lattes. Taking the boy to his lesson allowed me to go get that indulgence because, by then, I surely deserved it.
Lesson: If things are going badly, I deserve an overpriced sugar fat coffee with healthy pretensions. If things are going well? Same.
10. I’m working on a few hours of sleep and, as I survey my tiny writing bunker…hey! There’s a startling lack of scone butlers, minions, interns and fans begging to slip money through the mail slot!
The mind virus is created. Spread the infection. Each of five episodes is only 99 cents each. Get the whole Season for the discount at $3.99. (And if you already have read it, please review it.) Thanks! ~ Chazz
Lesson: Write more, and faster, until I blur into another dimension where paddle steamers and garden labyrinths are the norm. In this new dimension, I’ll be loved and Guinness will come from the kitchen tap. We’ll never get old and we’ll never die. And no one will ever look like Wilfred Brimley.
So, the awesome Hugh Howey interview is on it’s way (I’ll let you know with the very next post here.)
Episode 5 of This Plague of Days will be up today, as promised.
However, it takes up to twelve hours for books to publish to Amazon so it will arrive later today.
I’m going to go kill someone in Season Two of This Plague of Days now. With a #2 pencil.
~ To learn more about This Plague of Days, go to ThisPlagueOfDays.com. Subscribe to the Cool People Podcast in iTunes or check it out at CoolPeoplePodcast.com. Follow me on Twitter @rchazzchute so I try to remember what love feels like. Check out all the books and podcasts at AllThatChazz.com or break down and go on a bargain book shopping spree here. Thank you and have a wonderful day.
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