C h a z z W r i t e s . c o m

See all my books at AllThatChazz.com.

I can’t come to the phone right now. I’m dead.

A man speaking on a mobile telephone

A man speaking on a mobile telephone (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Usually I laugh at the weird stuff that pops up in my spam filter. However, this morning I seem to be inundated with crap and the spam filter isn’t catching it for some reason. It’s not that it isn’t easy to spot: Yoda-like syntax and the fourth or fifth word is always twisted around.

But this one annoyed me very much:

“You are an excellent wrietr even if I have thought your writing seems sad sometimes! I am so glad you are honest! The truth will set you free, is true! I love you and I am so blessed to be your Mom!”

Thanks for the shitty surprise reminder, spambot! My mom’s dead. Lung cancer. When I call my dad and he doesn’t answer, the voice mail kicks in. The recorded voice is my mother, saying just two words: my father’s name. After she died (and a long and terrible decline, it was) I wrote some fairly bad and very dark poetry. I mulled mortality’s cruelty and our shared helplessness. I was crying after the funeral when my wife came into my childhood bedroom. I pretended to be asleep on the bed and when she covered me with a blanket, I pretended it was my mom, covering me one last time. Later, I called to hear my mother’s voice again and again and again.

Maybe I should leave a new voice mail message: “I’m sorry I’m not here. I’m elsewhere, or maybe I’m not, but if I could get back to you, I would. If I can’t, know that I tried. I really wish I could talk to you right now. But whatever we talked about, it would all come down to the same thing: I love you.”

PS I reject helplessness to the end. Go here if you reject helplessness, too. And spread the word for Indies Unite for Joshua.

Filed under: publishing, , , , , , , ,

What treasures are in your spam filter?

Yoda

Yoda (Photo credit: davidyuweb)

Just got this in my spam filter today:“This is the reverse About Chazz | Chazz Writes blog for anyone who wants to act out out almost this content. You observation so overmuch its nigh effortful to argue with you (not that I really would want…HaHa). You definitely put a new reel on a theme thats been shorthand virtually for geezerhood. Metropolis bunk, simply great!”

I must start collecting these! Almost every day I find a little gem in my spam filter. Often the first clue to spam is a syntax that is positively Yoda-like. (e.g. “Excellent, your blog is!”) Or, it’s the ubiquitous, “My cousin told me about your blog. Good informations! It saved MUCH time!” Or, it’s simply gibberish.

Usually it’s a waste of time, but I get a few funny ones: “Up the prematur now to optimize your webpage tracings for better permeability upsell doodle!” At least it sounds positive and up with people, doesn’t it?

Clearly, the universal translator isn’t perfected.

Send me your funniest spam filter catches and I’ll feature them in a future post.

Filed under: funny, What about Chazz?, What about you?, , , , , , , ,

Winner of Writer's Digest's 2014 Honorable Mention in Self-published Ebook Awards in Genre

The first 81 lessons to get your Buffy on

More lessons to help you survive Armageddon

"You will laugh your ass off!" ~ Maxwell Cynn, author of Cybergrrl

Available now!

Fast-paced terror, new threats, more twists.

An autistic boy versus our world in free fall

Suspense to melt your face and play with your brain.

Action like a Guy Ritchie film. Funny like Woody Allen when he was funny.

Jesus: Sexier and even more addicted to love.

You can pick this ebook up for free today at this link: http://bit.ly/TheNightMan

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