C h a z z W r i t e s . c o m

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06/18/2010 • 6:44 PM 0

Dreaming of Bill Maher (and Soccer is Bullshit.)

The promo: I love Real Time with Bill Maher and will miss Bill until September when new episodes are on HBO, Friday nights.

The caveat: I frequently dream of Bill. It’s not sexual…although if you’re Freudian you’re sure everything is sexual. Get over it. I watch past episodes of Real Time on YouTube so much he’s intertwined and entangled in my neurons. I invite you to read, but don’t read anything into it. And put some clothes on, you perve!

The dream: I was standing by a stage door and Bill Maher passed by after his show. “I love your show!” I said, self-conscious and a bit googly-eyed.

“Thanks,” he said, and shook my hand. “It was nice meeting me,” he said. He motored and as he walked away yelled back over his shoulder, “…which you really haven’t!”

It was so in character I woke up laughing. You wouldn’t guess it looking at my station in life, but my subconscious is a genius.

Filed under: Rant, Bill Maher, fun, funny

06/18/2010 • 6:22 PM 0

Chuck Norris

I grew up watching Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee movies. (All other movies, too since I worked at a video store.)
freefromchaos.com

My favorite Chuck Norris movie has to be An Eye for An Eye in which Chuck and Mako beat the crap out of 35 guys who attack them in Mako’s home (with Uzis.) Chuck takes out only 25 (wimp!) and Mako kills the rest. They massacre the bad guys with their bare hands, a throwing knife, lots of kicking and the base of a telephone (which were heavier and more lethal then. Don’t try to knock anybody out with your cell phone these days.)

At the end of this scene of carnage, the livingroom is littered with bodies. Then Chuck says, “Well, I better get going. Got a dental appointment” or something lame and leaves Mako to deal with the copious corpses. Chuck is a nice guy overall, but not the kind of friend you call on to help you move apparently. San Francisco must have an awesome recycling program.

The funniest Chuck movie has to be The Octagon. Lee Van Cleef shows up here and there, no doubt thinking he had been in better movies. The thing that makes me giggle is that throughout the movie Chuck does a voice over of many of his ninja thoughts as he wanders around. The device is so over-used that I end up filling in the next whispered thought. For instance:

Can I beat him?

Takura, where are you? I sense you are here…

If not for me, Takura would never have met her and she’d still be alive…

I feel guilty…

Did I turn off the stove?

Do I need to buy more eggs?

Filed under: movies, Unintentionally hilarious, Chuck Norris movies, movie reviews

06/18/2010 • 12:04 PM 0

cHUCK pAHLANIUK: Relax!

A lot of authors come and go or are trapped in the midlist and never break out, soon to be dumped by their publishers and agents after having their hopes briefly elevated. Others soar briefly, but the brand doesn’t catch on and now industry insiders wink at each other, telling each other the has-been was a flavor of the month. (These same editors, agents and publishers were certain they’d discovered the next Philip Roth not long before.)

Jay McInerney, for instance, wrote three really good books I loved: Ransom, Story of My Life and Bright Lights, Big City (which was made into a very good movie starring Michael J. Fox.) I tried to read the author’s next work but I felt he was suddenly trying to write as if he was an English author from a previous century. His solid stuff exhibited a sharp post-modernist wit but somewhere between his experimental popular fiction and what he wrote afterward, he wandered off. He’s still a successful guy and writes about wine and has made it big in the magazine world. However, he’s unknown to a new generation of readers and so, has become a bit of a footnote. In the 80s, you had to read him. Now? Really optional. He’s got a new book out, so maybe he’s working on a comeback.

Which brings us to: In a recent interview Chuck Pahlaniuk said he still didn’t feel like a success. (Wha–?)

I have proof he is a great success. Of course he wrote Fight Club (and a great movie was made of the book which is so close to the book they lifted almost all the dialogue.) Choke was made into a movie. He’s written quite a few books now actually: Lullaby (liked it), Diary (loved it), Survivor (liked it), Rant (not for me), Snuff (okay), Haunted (okay) Invisible Monsters (not for me) and Stranger the Fiction (really solid and readable.) He could stop there and have about as much output in numbers of books as Kurt Vonnegut had. Nothing to sneeze at.

BUT HERE’S THE PROOF PAHLANIUK IS A SUCCESS:

In a review of Rant (which was laudatory, long and detailed) not once did the reviewer even mention Fight Club!

Chuck. You’ve made it into the pantheon.

Congratulations.

Filed under: book reviews, Books, Writers, books, chuck pahlaniuk, fight club

06/17/2010 • 11:01 PM 0

Cool Word of the Day

Eyesaint:

One who is very pleasing to the eyes.

Filed under: Cool Word of the Day

06/17/2010 • 10:54 PM 0

The Existential Horrorist

Two movie moments hurt me in deep dark places:

In Run, Fatboy, Run Simon Pegg’s character tells his young son that you can’t run away from problems and must push through. The little boy looks up at him and says, “Is that what you do, Dad?” The look on Simon’s face is the same you make when you’re slapped across the face with a stop sign.

Then in Night at the Museum, Ben Stiller’s character tells his son that something good will soon happen with his career. His big moment is coming. He can just feel it. His boy gives him a worried look and says, “But what if you’re wrong? What is you’re an ordinary guy who just needs to get a job?”

Shit. Back to the keyboard! Back! BACK!

Filed under: movies, movies, Night at the Mueum, Run Fatboy Run, writers

06/17/2010 • 10:08 PM 0

Dr. Phil Mistreats Wannabe Writer, Then Bathes in Cash & Cackles

Dr. Phil counselled some poor slob and his desperate wife since said slob was writing a book and refused to get a job and support the family. Of course Philacious told him to get off his duff and get a job. I was supposed to feel sorry for the wife and the family. Instead I thought “Wow. Way to stand up for the brand, Dr. Dreamkiller.” He’ll trudge back to work and maybe the book will die and maybe it won’t, but despite the doc’s assurances, the dude’s chances of publication just went down. You could see it in his eyes. The wannabe (as best-selling Phil so graciously labelled him) just didn’t have a lot more energy to spare. Your other job can feed your passion or suck the creative life out of you. Be careful what you choose.*

BONUS:

Phil made some fallacious comparison of fiction to non-fiction. He told the guy he needed to submit a proposal rather than a full manuscript. Not in fiction you ain’t! When submitting fiction, you must have the full manuscript polished and prepared. Proposals are for non-fiction only, no exceptions.

DOUBLE BONUS:

Dean Koontz’s wife went to work and gave him five years to make write. If he didn’t make it in five years, she reasoned, he wasn’t going to make it. He did make it, of course, and his books are a testimony not so much to his hacking talent as his persistence. If you have enough time and persistence, talent counts less than we’d like to think. Make the time to write.

*Yes, I’m saying, if necessary, divorce your wife, leave the kids in a ditch and run away. They’ll understand eventually that you did it for Art. Yeah. That’ll go over well.

Filed under: Writers, writing tips, Dr. Phil. time to write, writers

06/17/2010 • 2:29 PM 0

Premises, Promises and the Payoff

When someone says, “I have a good idea for a story,” they better not just stop at one. It’s not enough for a novel to have a good premise. More good ideas must follow the first. A good book is not just one good idea, but many, strung together in a way that builds and builds to keep the reader reading.

I’ve been trying to enjoy Three Bags Full, a detective story where the detectives are sheep and the victim is their shepherd, who died with a spade through his guts. Ooh, a spade through the guts! Delicious! I must read more, I thought. I wanted to like the book, but it didn’t work out that way.

The comer on the cover was that it’s like Agatha Christie wrote a Wind in the Willows murder mystery. I loved Wind in the Willows and I’ve read some Christie 20 years ago so hey, a match made in heaven. Not baaaaaa-ad! (Get it? Sheep? Not baaaaa-ad? Never mind.)

Alas, experimental fiction can be trying when it belabors the conceit. It’s a good idea that could work well in a short story, but at novel length I’m fading fast…and I’m getting it the easy way on MP3! Save the change. Three bags Full is a good idea…but just one. Halfway through I’m thinking, “Isn’t it time for the little Irish village to have a big Greek feast with lots of lamb chops with mint jelly?”

Good books, like The Wind in the Willows, for instance, have good ideas at every turn and keep you turning those pages. What happens next? And then what? Keep that narrative train moving moving moving. Will Mole and Rat finally run over Mr. Toad with his own car? They never did…which I guess I’m glad of. I remember reading Wind in the Willows late into the night and my mom finally coming in to tell me to go to sleep. “Just five more minutes Mom! I want to find out what happens to Mr. Toad!”

BONUS:

Keep the good ideas coming. There should be tension on every page, or a very good reaason why there’s not.

Filed under: Books, writing tips, books, writing tips

06/16/2010 • 10:08 PM 0

Cool Word of the Day

Pocketpiece

A coin kept in the pocket, but not spent (generally a coin that’s not current.)

Nope. I don’t know the point of that, either.

Filed under: Cool Word of the Day, cool word of the day

06/16/2010 • 12:15 PM 0

It’s a Surreal World

Huffington Post headlines:

Brad Pitt Trims His Beard; Megan Fox Gets Tattoo to Honor Mickey Rourke; Robert Pattison: I’ll Probably Die by 30 (he looks very happy in the photo); Marion Cotillard Talks about People Living Inside Her; Pakistanis Arrest American Hunting Bin Laden (our allies. Hm.); Police Office Punches Woman in Jaywalking Incident; Woman Voted for Alvin Green because it sounded like Al Green; GOP Congressman Accuses Himself of Blatant Conflict of Interest; Three-year-old Survives Dad’s Murder Suicide Rampage, Hides Behind Trash Can for 12 Hours After Being Shot; Somali Soccer Fans Executed for Watching World Cup Match; Louisiana Rep Suggests BP CEO Should Commit Suicide; Miley Cyrus: “I’m Not Trying to be Slutty” …

When real headlines are indistinguishable from The Onion, it’s either time to go back to bed or escape into some fiction because the real world is too surreal this morning.

BONUS:

In other news, The Gulf of Mexico is a disaster and there are at least a couple actual wars going on somewhere. And remember Katrina? Or Haiti?

I was full of righteous indignation when I started this rant. However, as I look through the real news, I understand why we run to the surreal.

Fiction is my escape hatch. Time to go make some.