C h a z z W r i t e s . c o m

See all my books at AllThatChazz.com.

06/01/2010 • 7:02 PM 0

Publishing Marketability Conundrum

It just occurred to me that I’d be much more successful as a writer if I was more likeable, more stress-resistant, less angry, less paranoid and 26% sexier. Publishers want marketability. From now on, I’m not wearing a slip.

Alternative: forget all of the above and just be less lazy. However, without brain transplant technology, what’s a slacker to do?

KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

Sorry. Lost it in a Shatnerian way.

Go be prolific.

Filed under: Publicity & Promotion, publishing, writing tips, book, promotion, publicity, writing

05/19/2010 • 12:29 AM 0

The “I Want to Watch You Suffer” Rant

Sure, I don’t like you. In fact, sometimes I hate your guts. Sometimes I want to stab you in the eye with a Number 2 pencil and then slit you open with an Exacto knife, take a blow torch to your pancreas and, while you’re thinking about that, slowly strangle you with loops of your own intestines. Look up the word decerebrate. That’s what’s next. (Yes, I’m talking about your characters.)

The many reasons I despise you make you more interesting, so I’ll be glad to read about you or watch you on-screen. Gee whiz, I sure hope I get to watch you suffer! As somebody pithy said, “TV allows you to have people in your livingroom you’d never want in your livingroom.” Writers are often told that it’s important your protagonist is a likeable character. Ahem. Fiction is full of people, heroes and anti-heroes, who have traits that are unappealing. I want to read about people dealing with complications who are full of doubt–just like me. Their flaws make them believable. I prefer psychotic Batman to the perfect, impervious boy scout that is Superman. Superman’s too hard to kill. Shoot Batman in the face and he’s dead. (Why don’t they just shoot him in the face? He’s more vulnerable so he’s more interesting.)

I haven’t seen a better illustration of this than the anti-hero bound for quasi-redemption in District 9. Here’s a guy who is a nerdy bureaucrat who gleefully kills little alien babies. <SPOILER ALERT> You don’t actually make it all the way to liking him, but amid the action you begin to feel sorry for him as he literally becomes his victim.

But what do I know? All through Star Wars I was cheering for Darth Vader to cut that simpering Jedi school dropout Luke Skywalker into light saber-diced cheese. Or is it really Mark Hamill I loathe?

BONUS:

Is your book a happy story? Those tend to suck.

Filed under: publishing, Rant, rules of writing, characters, plots, writing

05/13/2010 • 10:52 PM 0

Querying Agents, Blagents and Checking Out Their Blogs

Email has made querying is easier than it used to be (and the same with rejection.) There are still a few ancient agents still murdering trees but generally we’re firing off our missives in pixels and saving stamps. Presumably the agents and editors who insist on snail mail ride to work on horseback. As for the rest, there are numerous agent blogs so you can take their temperatures and read between the snarkiness to divine where they fall on the bonehead/human being/transcendent genius maven index.

They all have two things in common: they complain about getting lousy manuscripts to evaluate (as if we all don’t have aspects of our jobs that suck) and they are all looking for a book to fall in love with. (Maybe yours! Well, not yours, but somebody’s!)

I’m working on an agent query now. It’s a mammoth exercise in second-guessing that goes beyond editing. It’s more like looking for the tiniest excuse for the query letter to be laughed at, denigrated or misconstrued. And then blogged about. (I’m also naked in the paranoid fantasy that ensues and it’s really, really cold.)

We were all happier before the Internet and the wave of agent blogs. We did much the same submission for everybody back then and didn’t see the sausage getting rejected and thrown on the slaughterhouse floor. Now the agent blogs are there for us all to see the sausage not getting made in ugly detail.

BONUS:

Don’t believe me. Go to their blogs and form your own opinions. Best thing? They all have their individual quirks and guidelines laid out somewhere in their blogs. Look it up before submitting. They’re looking for any excuse to say no. Don’t give it to them.

*About the term blagent. It means a blogging agent and no, I cannot recall who coined the term first.

Filed under: agents, publishing, agents, querying, writing

05/10/2010 • 8:41 PM 1

Conflicting Writing Advice

Writing Guru #1:

Start with a hook. Come into the action late, leave the action early and finish each chapter with a breathtaking cliffhanger to propel the reader into the next chapter! All scripts need more and more tension!

Writing Guru #2:

Hooks are hokey. Take your time to build tension. Cliffhangers get tiring. I don’t want to see a cliffhanger at the end of each chapter. I want a feeling of satisfaction.

I’d feel some satisfaction if Writing Guru #1 and #2 duked it out in a naked Jello-and-broken-glass cage match. Who will win? Ooh, cliffhanger!

BONUS:

What do agents and editors want? They want to “be delighted!” What does that mean to you in any practical sense? Shit, man. It means shit. Write to delight yourself and hope that you find someone who agrees with your take. It’s your only hope.

Filed under: publishing, publishing, writing, writing advice

05/09/2010 • 10:34 PM 0

If shorter works, you’re not done editing

There are a couple of TV shows you need to study to learn to perfect your story. Watch Dexter and Breaking Bad. There’s one element common to both: no wasted words. Every element deepens character and advances plot. Each character’s wants and needs drive the plot forward so people can end up doing crazy stuff, but it makes sense.

Writing Exercise:

Write a scene. Now cut out as much as you can and see if it still works. Now cut again. When you can’t cut anymore (meaning it’s not underwritten) see if the scene is better (i.e. readable, compelling, and advances the story.)

I write a magazine column that’s only 600 words. I often find that the first draft is closer to 1,000. It can be tough, but the cleaner it reads, the happier your editor and reader will be. Dickens wrote long, but you’re not Dickens, that stuff wouldn’t fly today and he did that because he was paid by the word.