C h a z z W r i t e s . c o m

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06/18/2010 • 11:57 PM 0

Cool Word of the Day (and the McCain/Palin Conspiracy Theory)

Palillogy

In rhetoric, the repetition of a word or part of a sentence for greater emphasis.

Palin, Sarah

A goofy Alaskan ex-governor who has somehow captured the imagination of a bunch of conservative wackos. Said governor, didn’t just “pal around” with a secessionist. She married one. (Was the wink a sign she was really trying to lose? If you break down the near seizure-like winking, the Morse code spells out “I’m just kiddin’ ya!”)

The McCain/Palin Conspiracy Theory

In the run up to the election, liberal conservative John McCain admitted that he did not know how to use a computer, neither Mac nor PC. The theory is that, after a disastrous eight-year run with Bush, McCain wanted to ensure a change in leadership. Enabling Barack Obama would become the next president of the United States, he chose the supremely unqualified Sarah Palin as his running mate. Given the undignified sacrifices McCain made to ensure the ascension of the Democrats, the vote was way too close (revealing more crazy racists than had been previously suspected.) Sour at the lengths he had to go, McCain has turned into a real Conservative douche again who will say batshit thing he can to get reelected (from eschewing and then hugging George Bush to choosing Sarah Palin, distancing himself from Sarah Palin and embracing her and her hardcore wacko fans again.) His legacy of honor and bipartisanship is in tatters at the sad end of his career. Meanwhile, Sarah Palin still has a shot at running in the next election. She says such crazy shit, sometimes you have to think she’s actually a Democrat in dingbat’s clothing–very very expensive clothing. (That “very very” was a palillogy.)

If true, when will Sarah Palin reveal it was all just the ultimate, most expensive prank ever to mock the democratic process? After the next election so she can make sure Obama gets a second term? She quit the governorship to spout her beliefs from Facebook! I mean, c’mon! WTF?!

Filed under: Cool Word of the Day, Media, Unintentionally hilarious, cool word of the day, McCain, Sarah Palin

06/18/2010 • 6:44 PM 0

Dreaming of Bill Maher (and Soccer is Bullshit.)

The promo: I love Real Time with Bill Maher and will miss Bill until September when new episodes are on HBO, Friday nights.

The caveat: I frequently dream of Bill. It’s not sexual…although if you’re Freudian you’re sure everything is sexual. Get over it. I watch past episodes of Real Time on YouTube so much he’s intertwined and entangled in my neurons. I invite you to read, but don’t read anything into it. And put some clothes on, you perve!

The dream: I was standing by a stage door and Bill Maher passed by after his show. “I love your show!” I said, self-conscious and a bit googly-eyed.

“Thanks,” he said, and shook my hand. “It was nice meeting me,” he said. He motored and as he walked away yelled back over his shoulder, “…which you really haven’t!”

It was so in character I woke up laughing. You wouldn’t guess it looking at my station in life, but my subconscious is a genius.

Filed under: Rant, Bill Maher, fun, funny

06/18/2010 • 6:22 PM 0

Chuck Norris

I grew up watching Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee movies. (All other movies, too since I worked at a video store.)
freefromchaos.com

My favorite Chuck Norris movie has to be An Eye for An Eye in which Chuck and Mako beat the crap out of 35 guys who attack them in Mako’s home (with Uzis.) Chuck takes out only 25 (wimp!) and Mako kills the rest. They massacre the bad guys with their bare hands, a throwing knife, lots of kicking and the base of a telephone (which were heavier and more lethal then. Don’t try to knock anybody out with your cell phone these days.)

At the end of this scene of carnage, the livingroom is littered with bodies. Then Chuck says, “Well, I better get going. Got a dental appointment” or something lame and leaves Mako to deal with the copious corpses. Chuck is a nice guy overall, but not the kind of friend you call on to help you move apparently. San Francisco must have an awesome recycling program.

The funniest Chuck movie has to be The Octagon. Lee Van Cleef shows up here and there, no doubt thinking he had been in better movies. The thing that makes me giggle is that throughout the movie Chuck does a voice over of many of his ninja thoughts as he wanders around. The device is so over-used that I end up filling in the next whispered thought. For instance:

Can I beat him?

Takura, where are you? I sense you are here…

If not for me, Takura would never have met her and she’d still be alive…

I feel guilty…

Did I turn off the stove?

Do I need to buy more eggs?

Filed under: movies, Unintentionally hilarious, Chuck Norris movies, movie reviews

06/18/2010 • 12:04 PM 0

cHUCK pAHLANIUK: Relax!

A lot of authors come and go or are trapped in the midlist and never break out, soon to be dumped by their publishers and agents after having their hopes briefly elevated. Others soar briefly, but the brand doesn’t catch on and now industry insiders wink at each other, telling each other the has-been was a flavor of the month. (These same editors, agents and publishers were certain they’d discovered the next Philip Roth not long before.)

Jay McInerney, for instance, wrote three really good books I loved: Ransom, Story of My Life and Bright Lights, Big City (which was made into a very good movie starring Michael J. Fox.) I tried to read the author’s next work but I felt he was suddenly trying to write as if he was an English author from a previous century. His solid stuff exhibited a sharp post-modernist wit but somewhere between his experimental popular fiction and what he wrote afterward, he wandered off. He’s still a successful guy and writes about wine and has made it big in the magazine world. However, he’s unknown to a new generation of readers and so, has become a bit of a footnote. In the 80s, you had to read him. Now? Really optional. He’s got a new book out, so maybe he’s working on a comeback.

Which brings us to: In a recent interview Chuck Pahlaniuk said he still didn’t feel like a success. (Wha–?)

I have proof he is a great success. Of course he wrote Fight Club (and a great movie was made of the book which is so close to the book they lifted almost all the dialogue.) Choke was made into a movie. He’s written quite a few books now actually: Lullaby (liked it), Diary (loved it), Survivor (liked it), Rant (not for me), Snuff (okay), Haunted (okay) Invisible Monsters (not for me) and Stranger the Fiction (really solid and readable.) He could stop there and have about as much output in numbers of books as Kurt Vonnegut had. Nothing to sneeze at.

BUT HERE’S THE PROOF PAHLANIUK IS A SUCCESS:

In a review of Rant (which was laudatory, long and detailed) not once did the reviewer even mention Fight Club!

Chuck. You’ve made it into the pantheon.

Congratulations.